howto: Get a Good Tan

Ohh yeah.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Back by popular demand and a sudden lack of laziness on my part, The Strickin's world-famous "howto" column has returned just in time for me to remind you what exactly you're doing wrong with your life, and how to do it better this time. Life coaches often charge hundreds of dollars for advice like this, and I'm giving it to you completely free. No yeah, you're definitely welcome.

As many of you may have heard, recently in New Jersey a mother was accused of taking her young daughter into a tanning booth after said child declared to her class that she had gone tanning with her mother. It's the mother's word against the daughter's, so nobody's really sure what exactly went down. Regardless of whether her child simply forgot her sunscreen or was herded into a tanning booth like a fat tourist onto a cruise ship, the fact remains that this is just a disgraceful event. I mean seriously, just think of that poor child. Even if she didn't actually tan with her mom, "very badly sunburned" is beyond unhealthy for a child of her age. If she did go in the tanning booth, she should get her money back because she wasn't even tanned! Her mother obviously has never read this column, otherwise she would have been able to turn her child properly from "Scandinavian" to "Pacific Islander". A very bad sunburn sounds to me more along the lines of "Overcooked Maine Lobster," which isn't even a real ethnicity. That poor child. Stuck between alabaster and rawhide at an awkward boiled. How all her friends from the Jersey Shore must have laughed at her plight when they all went clubbing. 

"And I says, I says to her, 'Like hell you can get in with those heels!' Six-year-olds don't know how to party these days."

So, to avoid such social faux pas in the future, I am taking it upon myself to educate the masses about the proper way to tan, which is a larger problem than you might think. Because if there's one thing The Strickin wants to change about the world, it's the lack of correctly tanned peoples.

Super Gay Time

You go, girl.

This week in the Three Ring Circus of Corruption and Stupidity that we call the American political system, our very own President Barack "The Name's Killer; Bin Laden Killer" Obama has made a game-changing announcement. Yes indeed, for the first time in history an American president has openly put his money where his mouth is and given the Miami Heat his full, presidential backing in their pursuit of an NBA championship. Don't mess this one up too, LeBron. In related but far less important news, he has also announced, probably not in the way or at the time he wanted to, that he's fully in support of gay marriage. Like, utterly so. Like, he views homosexuals as completely the same as the rest of us. Crazy! What a queer statement! Some other joke about the word gay! In all seriousness, though: this is an unprecedented occurrence in the political field. This would be like Abe Lincoln deciding to free the slaves right after North Carolina pulled that little secession stunt. This would be like Kennedy saying in 1961, "This Martin guy seems pretty on top of his shit, I should back him up and support his civil rights movement." It's a long overdue decision, in the right direction, on a very divisive subject, at an unlucky time. Politicians never take stances on controversial topics like this unless absolutely necessary, and super never if it's in an election year. That's just asking for trouble.
To be fair, gay marriage has been discussed more under him than under any other president's time in office, 'cause of societal changes and all that shiz, but the fact that he has still mustered up the ballhood to stick it to his haters and actually take a stance on this is...well, it's ballsy.

Zombie Apocalypses: The Ultimate Social Equalizer

Yes, I'll tie it all in, don't worry.

Everybody complains these days. It's a part of the modern world, like iPhones or two-hump camels. However, it's important to be able to tell the difference between people complaining because they deserve to, and people complaining because they're whiny little biotches. Take celebrities: the very fact that they are "celebrities" automatically exempts them from ever deserving to complain. Oh, Kanye West, you had to sell your third mansion? You're all out of caviar? You can only afford silver cufflinks instead of gold? Gee whiz, the angels will cry diamond tears for you. I can't even begin to see how you could overcome such a heartrending loss. No, no, you can't be expected to move on yet; maybe we can get the president to declare a national day of mourning. Of course, we understand how sad this is for you and your entourage. Perhaps you should go sail on your yacht for a little bit to soothe your poor -- yeah, not so much. A person of that influence and wealth has no right to whine while we plebes still have to live in the suburbs. Yet you only have to browse through Twitter to see that, in fact, these so-called celebrities moan about every little thing that "goes wrong" in their life at the drop of a hat. Often, they don't even need to drop their hats; they just bitch anyway.

These people don't deserve the level of importance we've thrown them up to. But there's no good way to knock them off their perches...or is there? Rhetorical answer, yes, there is. And it's a zombie apocalypse.

The Disappearance of Normalcy: Or, Your Kids Aren't Special, Mom

None of these kids are special, either.Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, transvestites of the internet. I come to you today with just one thing. Not the usual fare of cat pictures, no; just a simple semi-rhetorical question: what's the deal with uniqueness? And since when has it been such a big deal? All of a sudden it seems everybody has to be special. No one can be just okay; you're either special or nothing. No middling grey area, no swing-state, no bisexuality in terms of ability, no sir. Mediocrity is punishable by exile and/or death. With some disdain, at least. When was the last time you've heard a mom tell her kid that he's "meh, not bad"? Hopefully never, because that is a mean-ass mom. You can't say those things to kids! You have to make them feel like they're number one in the whole wide world (even if they're not), better than all their friends (which is really doubtful) especially those poopyheads who got cable when you didn't (I'm not the only one, right?). That's a parent's job, jeeze.

So I'm not saying that parents should stop urging their kids on totally. I'm saying that parents of non-unique kids should stop working too hard and boosting their kids' egos, because it makes really everyone else look bad. Plus, it ruins life later for the whole gang, and really messes with statistics.

See, averages exist for a reason.

Ancient Flora Revivals: Or, Be Nice to Scientists

This is a sad day for humankind. A sad, sad day, for all of us. Why? Because we have taken one step closer to creating a real-life Jurassic Park. A group of scientists have regrown an Ice Age plant. From seeds, frozen in the Siberian tundra almost 32,000 years ago, they have given a long-dead plant life. Something once thought impossible. They did it. They freakin' did it. Right now they say the technology is only capable of recreating plants, but come on, if you had the ability to bring back extinct life you'd probably keep that under wraps as well. What makes you think they'll stop at plants, though? Why would they hold themselves back from exploring all their options? Soon they could be doing bugs, and then small annoying rodents, and then tigers, and then mammoths and th- DINOSAURS. IT'S GONNA BE DINOSAURS, AND THEY'RE GONNA BE BIG, AND WE'RE ALL GONNA LIVE IN JURASSIC PARK AND OH GOD SO MUCH DINOSAUR. WE'RE DOOMED.

Kony Kraze: Not Actually Helping, or Am I Just a Cynic?

By now, anyone even remotely connected to a social network has seen the KONY 2012 video. (If not, take some time and watch it now; that way you won't be out of the loop for the rest of this article, man.) It was produced by a non-profit named Invisible Children to spread news about a man named Joseph Kony, the leader of the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army, a Ugandan rebel force). Specifically, it was produced to spread news about the horrible things he's done to Ugandan children, the list including kidnapping, rape, forced servitude, and conscription (making kids be soldiers) and hopefully bring about his arrest. The purpose of this campaign, "to make Kony famous," certainly worked: everybody's talking about him now, whether they like it or not. He is this year's "Friday", with an extra dose of hatred. But does all that talk necessarily mean good things for the campaign and, more importantly, for the Ugandans it is supposed to help? Or is it beneficial in name only?
I will agree, maybe this isn't the best topic for a humor website to be covering. Unlike our usual fare of dick jokes and CAPS LOCK rants, the tragic state of human rights in East Africa is no laughing matter. But I think we owe it to our readers to cover such an important and popular topic and to provide some clarification and opinion on it.

howto: Dance

Yes, you read that correctly. The time has come for all those sad saps flailing their limbs like an electrified
starfish to cease, and actually learn for the first time in their sorry lives what it means to break it down and jive and get funky with it, and all that good stuff. For too long has the madness gone on! It must end, here and now! So here and now, I, the Strickin's Resident Dancemaster and Choreographer, will teach, nay, enlighten you about the finer points of motor skills, what it really means to dance, and the ever-important aspect of not falling on your ass. (Unless you learn how to do it really skillfully and add it as part of your dance routine, but that's a different story.)